airgeargaigar | (no subject)

[Private; hackable]

... things are slowly getting better, or at least they were. I don't know. I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere now.

I think I put it well when Erk asked how I am... I'm lonely when I think about Heather... and I think about her a lot.

I never had to work at being happy. Lately all I can do is be just a little happy, and that's only when I can keep my mind off of Heather. But that's a little better than before... right?

... and also... without Heather around, sometimes I find myself wanting to... wait, someone might be able to read this!

[Still private; A little harder to hack]
... I have, um... hungers I never used to, and my heart just feels heavier. I feel more guarded ever since she left. It's the same feeling as when you're fighting, but you're afraid to fight... you get slow, your body feels a size too small for heart, throwing everything off... and at the same time, I feel like I have more 'life experience' or something, I guess...

... but that doesn't make me happier either.

I guess I feel a little bit older. ... I wonder if that's how it is...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Subaru...

You're doing well. You're growing. Heather and Nanoha would be proud.

... Is this growing?

... I don't like it...

There are many things that make us grow and many different ways we grow.

...Going through hardships is one of them. I wish it were avoidable, but....everyone suffers sometime and has to grow.

I still don't like it.

I don't, either. Sometimes I wish I could run away from all that pain.

Really, you too, Fate?

... we can't run away, can we? Like, I mean... even if we run, I don't feel like we can run fast enough...

We all feel like running away sometime. What's important is whether or not you try: you can't run away and doing so is not good; facing and getting through the pain is more difficult, but it is what allows us to heal and grow.

But I still don't like it......

You probably never will.

But you'll get through over time and we'll all be even more proud of you.

Subaru...

[Hugs]

*cling*

[Pets her hair.]

You'll be able to do it. I have faith in you.

*sniffle, slight nuzzle*

Th...thank you...

Hah...

You are... so strong, Subaru. Stronger than I will ever be.

I don't feel very strong, so I don't believe I'm stronger than you could ever be.

You have lost someone dear to you, but still your resolve never wavers. I do not believe I could say the same.

My resolve? But... I don't really feel like I have any of that right now.

... it's' not like I feel have some kind of purpose.

Yet you haven't given up hope. I have seen decorated knights take their own lives after the loss of a friend. You, Subaru, have proven your strength beyond a shadow of a doubt.

N-Never do that...

Of course not. Life is too precious... You all have shown me that much.

...Hey, Subaru. How are ya?

I'm doing okay. What's up?

Oh, nothing. I just haven't seen you around, so I wanted to say hi.

Oh, well, I make food at school so you can come by and see me any time. Maybe I'll sneak you some snacks.

You'd do that? I knew I liked you, Subaru.

Aw, no prob.