airgeargaigar: (That smarts...)
[personal profile] airgeargaigar
[Private; hackable]

... things are slowly getting better, or at least they were.  I don't know.  I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere now.

I think I put it well when Erk asked how I am... I'm lonely when I think about Heather... and I think about her a lot.

I never had to work at being happy.  Lately all I can do is be just a little happy, and that's only when I can keep my mind off of Heather.  But that's a little better than before... right?

... and also... without Heather around, sometimes I find myself wanting to... wait, someone might be able to read this!

[Still private; A little harder to hack]
... I have, um... hungers I never used to, and my heart just feels heavier.  I feel more guarded ever since she left.  It's the same feeling as when you're fighting, but you're afraid to fight... you get slow, your body feels a size too small for heart, throwing everything off... and at the same time, I feel like I have more 'life experience' or something, I guess...

... but that doesn't make me happier either.

I guess I feel a little bit older.  ... I wonder if that's how it is...

Date: 2009-04-05 07:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

You're doing well. You're growing. Heather and Nanoha would be proud.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
... Is this growing?

... I don't like it...

Date: 2009-04-05 07:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
There are many things that make us grow and many different ways we grow.

...Going through hardships is one of them. I wish it were avoidable, but....everyone suffers sometime and has to grow.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't, either. Sometimes I wish I could run away from all that pain.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Really, you too, Fate?

... we can't run away, can we? Like, I mean... even if we run, I don't feel like we can run fast enough...

Date: 2009-04-05 08:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
We all feel like running away sometime. What's important is whether or not you try: you can't run away and doing so is not good; facing and getting through the pain is more difficult, but it is what allows us to heal and grow.

Date: 2009-04-05 08:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
But I still don't like it......

Date: 2009-04-05 08:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You probably never will.

But you'll get through over time and we'll all be even more proud of you.

Date: 2009-04-05 08:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Pets her hair.]

You'll be able to do it. I have faith in you.

Date: 2009-04-05 08:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*sniffle, slight nuzzle*

Th...thank you...

Date: 2009-04-05 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

You are... so strong, Subaru. Stronger than I will ever be.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't feel very strong, so I don't believe I'm stronger than you could ever be.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You have lost someone dear to you, but still your resolve never wavers. I do not believe I could say the same.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
My resolve? But... I don't really feel like I have any of that right now.

... it's' not like I feel have some kind of purpose.

Date: 2009-04-05 07:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yet you haven't given up hope. I have seen decorated knights take their own lives after the loss of a friend. You, Subaru, have proven your strength beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Date: 2009-04-05 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Of course not. Life is too precious... You all have shown me that much.

Date: 2009-04-06 02:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
...Hey, Subaru. How are ya?

Date: 2009-04-06 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm doing okay. What's up?

Date: 2009-04-07 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, nothing. I just haven't seen you around, so I wanted to say hi.

Date: 2009-04-07 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, well, I make food at school so you can come by and see me any time. Maybe I'll sneak you some snacks.

Date: 2009-04-07 01:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You'd do that? I knew I liked you, Subaru.

Date: 2009-04-07 02:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, no prob.


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